Are you tired of avocado toast shaming and being told to skip your daily latte? Forget the financial gurus who preach about budgeting and saving pennies. Let’s get real. The only financial advice you truly need to hear is this: get your money up, not your funny up. In today’s hyper-competitive world, where your social media clout is measured in likes and your worth is apparently tied to your follower count, there’s only one metric that truly matters: your bank account. And frankly, if you’re not focused on maximizing that number, you’re doing it wrong.
Now, I know what you might be thinking. “Isn’t money supposed to be about security and freedom?” “Shouldn’t I pursue my passions and find a career that fulfills me?” “What about work-life balance and mental well-being?” Please. Those are quaint notions for a bygone era. In the 21st century, happiness is spelled M-O-N-E-Y. And more specifically, happiness is spelled having more money than the people you know.
Forget about finding your “calling” or making a “difference.” The only call you need to answer is the siren song of wealth. And the only difference you should be making is the one between your net worth and your friends’. Ready to ditch the “funny” and get serious about your finances? Follow this foolproof, ten-step plan to career and financial domination.
Step 1: Prioritize Out-Earning Your Entire Social Circle
Let’s cut to the chase. Careers are like ice cream flavors – everyone has a preference, but deep down, we all know some flavors are just objectively better than others. And in the job market, “better” translates directly to “bigger paycheck.” While some people foolishly chase “purpose” or “job satisfaction,” the truly enlightened understand that the ultimate career goal is simple: to earn more money than your friends.
Forget the tired mantra that money can’t buy happiness. That’s just something broke people tell themselves to feel better. The reality is, money buys options. It buys status. And most importantly, it buys the sweet, sweet satisfaction of knowing you’re winning the game of life – at least the financial scoreboard. Sure, making “a lot” of money is good, but it’s not good enough. The true pinnacle of financial success is making more money than your peers. That’s where the real joy lies. Imagine the smug satisfaction of knowing you can afford that vacation home while your friends are still debating whether to splurge on extra guac. That, my friends, is the real American dream.
Step 2: Conduct Competitive Salary Research (aka, Stalk Your Friends’ Career Aspirations)
Now that we’ve established the golden rule of career planning – out-earn everyone you know – it’s time for some good old-fashioned competitive intelligence. Think of yourself as a financial spy, and your mission is to uncover the salary expectations of your friends. This isn’t about being nosy; it’s about strategic career planning.
Casually ask each friend about their post-graduation plans. “Oh, you’re thinking about marketing? Cool, what’s the salary range like for entry-level positions?” Subtlety is key, but so is thoroughness. If a friend is vague, press them gently. “Roughly speaking, are we talking 50k? 70k? Just trying to get a ballpark.” Once you’ve gathered intel on everyone’s aspirations, hit the internet. Glassdoor, Salary.com, LinkedIn – these are your new best friends. Research the average and upper-range salaries for each of your friends’ chosen fields. Compile a spreadsheet. Rank them. And identify the highest potential salary ceiling among your friend group. That, my friend, is your new financial benchmark. Anything less is simply unacceptable.
Step 3: Reality Check: Your Passion Might Be Broke
Time for a harsh dose of reality. Google “average salary [your major]”. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Not looking so hot, is it? Chances are, the number staring back at you is significantly lower than the salary benchmark you just calculated. This is the moment of truth. This is where you realize that following your “passion” might lead you down a path of financial mediocrity – or worse, financial inferiority compared to your friends.
Don’t beat yourself up too much. You’re not alone. Millions of well-meaning but misguided students choose majors based on “interest” or “personal fulfillment.” Rookie mistake. Passion doesn’t pay the bills. Passion doesn’t buy status. Passion certainly doesn’t fuel the ego-boosting comparison game we’re aiming for. It’s time to pivot. And pivot hard.
Step 4: The Great Salary Pivot: Engineering Your Way to Riches
Google “highest paying majors.” Let the truth wash over you. Engineering. Specifically, fields like computer science, chemical engineering, and electrical engineering consistently top the salary charts. These aren’t just jobs; they’re financial launchpads. Suddenly, that English literature degree seems a lot less appealing, doesn’t it?
Step 5: Drill Down: Petroleum Engineering – The King of Cash
Now, let’s refine our search. Google “highest paying type of engineering.” Prepare to be amazed. Petroleum engineering. Boom. These aren’t just engineers; they’re financial titans of the oil and gas world. We’re talking serious money here. Money that makes your friends’ “impressive” salaries look like pocket change.
Step 6: (Optional) Petroleum Engineering 101: Black Gold and Big Bucks
Curious about what petroleum engineers actually do? Google “what is petroleum engineering?” Don’t worry too much about the technical details. Focus on the keywords: “oil,” “gas,” “energy,” “resources.” These are the words of wealth. These are the industries that fuel fortunes. The specifics are less important than the earning potential. Think of it as becoming a professional money miner.
Step 7: Location, Location, Location: Texas or Bust
Google “colleges with petroleum engineering major.” University of Texas at Austin. Texas A&M. Rice University. Notice a pattern? Texas. The heart of the oil and gas industry. This isn’t a coincidence. If you want to strike black gold, you need to go where the gold is. And in the world of petroleum engineering, that means packing your bags for the Lone Star State.
Step 8: Transfer Application: Operation Financial Freedom
Apply to transfer to the University of Texas at Austin. Or Texas A&M. Or Rice, if you’re feeling fancy. Your college experience is about to take a dramatic turn. Forget about philosophy seminars and poetry readings. Your future is now paved with pipelines and profit margins. Embrace the change. Embrace the money.
Step 9: Doubt? Ditch It. Diet Mountain Dew Therapy.
Suddenly, the enormity of your decision might hit you. “Is this really what I want?” “Am I making a huge mistake?” “Should I actually care about petroleum engineering?” “What if my friend does become a brain surgeon?” These doubts are just fear whispering in your ear. Fear of success. Fear of outshining your friends. Fear of becoming…rich. Don’t listen to it. Silence that inner voice of reason with sheer, unadulterated willpower.
And for extra measure, implement Step Ten.
Step 10: Month of Contrition: Hydration Through Haterade (Diet Mountain Dew Edition)
Punish your doubts. For one month – we’ll call it the Month of Contrition – exclusively drink Diet Mountain Dew. Yes, you read that right. Diet Mountain Dew. No water. No juice. No other sodas. Just the sweet, caffeinated nectar of financial ambition. Every time you crave something healthy, remember your goal: financial dominance. Let the artificial sweeteners and questionable chemicals fuel your resolve. And forevermore, mark this month on your calendar as a reminder of your commitment to wealth.
Step 11: Texas, Here I Come: Petroleum Engineering and Prosperity
Transfer to UT Austin as a petroleum engineering major. Congratulations. You’ve done it. You’ve chosen the path to prosperity. Your future is bright. Your bank account will be even brighter. You will not regret this decision. And if you do… well, you probably just didn’t drink enough Diet Mountain Dew during your Month of Contrition. Go back and repeat Steps 1-11 until financial success is yours. Remember: Get your money up, not your funny up. That’s the only joke you need to know.
