It happened recently – someone actually asked me, “When are you going to buy your doctor’s mansion?” I was genuinely surprised by the question. Asking about someone’s personal finances, especially their home-buying capacity, felt as inappropriate as commenting on their age or weight – generally considered taboo.
My husband, Brandon, a physician specializing in PM&R in private practice, and I are almost three years into our post-training lives. We live in southeast Michigan with our two young sons and dog, and I work as a middle school teacher. Let’s be honest, teachers aren’t usually asked about affording mansions. My husband and I are quite diligent with our finances; we maintain a monthly budget and are actively working to pay off his medical school loans. Almost a year ago, we finally achieved a positive net worth, a significant milestone considering our initial student loan debt of over $330,000. Even with our debt repayment goals, we are gradually adjusting to our increased household income and starting to feel more comfortable spending on enjoyable things.
As this shift occurs, we’ve become increasingly aware of the financial disparities between ourselves and our friends and family. Even if unspoken, these financial differences undeniably influence our relationships.
Addressing the topic of financial expectations and differences in friendships is complex. Navigating these dynamics with loved ones is challenging, often awkward, and uncomfortable. Frankly, I’m a bit hesitant to even write about this, as it risks venturing into what might be perceived as “rich people” problems.
I certainly don’t have all the answers. Instead of dictating how to balance these financial situations, I want to explore the challenging points we’ve been trying to navigate.
Understanding Our Financial Backgrounds
My early experiences with money, for better or worse, significantly shaped my current approach to family finances. Growing up in a low-income, single-parent household, I learned the true value of money from a young age. In rural central Michigan, my first job was milking cows at a local dairy farm at 5 am every weekend. The hours were tough for a teenager, and it was often unpleasant, but the pay ($15 per hour, approximately $22 per hour in 2023 dollars) was better than other options. I was expected to contribute to my own expenses – clothing, sports fees, school trips – and that job made it possible. I understand financial insecurity and what it means to spend every dollar thoughtfully.
Even now, I’m very conscious of our expenses. I can instinctively tell you which store has the best produce prices and which coupons to use for our boys’ clothes. I’m always mindful of costs when dining out – can we go during happy hour to save money? When planning trips, I automatically search for the cheapest flights and hotels, and I need to remind myself to consider timing, location, and other factors, too.
In contrast, my husband’s upbringing was firmly middle to upper-middle class. He was nearly 32 and starting his PGY-5 fellowship when he first experienced financial scarcity. We were newly married, and he was doing a fellowship out of state while I stayed in our primary home. It was a financially stressful year.
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Neither of us feels pressured to “keep up with the Joneses,” but we are still balancing our wants and needs. We enjoy restaurant meals and having variety in our wardrobes, while also managing household expenses.
I primarily manage our household spending and daily finances. This includes budgeting for holidays or a new car, deciding on spending for a new vacuum or kids’ activities, and managing groceries and takeout. Lately, we’ve been prioritizing quality and durability when making purchases. This comes more naturally to Brandon; for me, a lifelong member of the Frugality Club, it’s been a challenge. We have much greater financial flexibility than I grew up with, yet I still struggle to feel comfortable spending money. This also influences how we navigate finances in our relationships with friends and family.
I believe two factors are at play here: 1) Our income has increased, giving us more financial flexibility to spend on necessities and desires. 2) Our friends and family have their own perceptions of our financial situation, often based on the assumption, “You’re a doctor, you can afford it!”
Further Reading:
10 Ways That Even Physicians Can Save Money on Groceries
Navigating Hand-Me-Downs and Gifts in Friendships
Image: Visual representation of income disparity in friendships, illustrating the core theme of managing financial differences with friends, relevant to the discussion of hand-me-downs and gifts.
A generous coworker, also a teacher, has been sharing outgrown clothes and toys from her sons. She’s given us valuable items that could have been resold, along with practical items like unused pull-ups. I’ve offered to pay, but she always refuses, happy that the items are being reused. However, as our income has risen, I feel uneasy accepting these gifts. Is it appropriate to accept them when we can now afford to buy new? She could sell them or donate them to families in greater need. I’m overthinking this and wonder if I’m wrong to feel this way.
I have similar feelings about birthday and holiday gifts. We aren’t wealthy, but we can afford necessities and many wants. It bothers me to think of friends or family stretching their budgets to buy us or our children gifts. I’ve been in situations where I had to make gifts to save money or overspent to attend a friend’s birthday dinner. I wouldn’t want to cause financial stress for loved ones. But gift-giving is a significant way some people express love, so am I just overthinking this?
The Nuances of Giving Gifts to Friends and Family
I’ve also passed on baby items to a friend expecting her first child. I was happy to give them away, but she insisted on paying, even researching the bassinet’s market value on Facebook Marketplace to suggest a price. I was just thrilled to declutter our space. With two adults, two kids, and a dog, space is precious. It’s wonderful knowing her baby will use and love these items. Still, I’m unsure how much I can give freely without making her uncomfortable. Do we need a more formal discussion about this?
Last Christmas, we faced family expectations for a gift exceeding our comfortable budget. My husband’s siblings wanted to buy their parents a new rowing machine costing around $1,800, splitting it three ways at $600 per family. This was far beyond their usual gift-giving, typically capped at $150-$200.
More than the cost, the timing was tight – the gift was planned in early December, with immediate payment requested via Venmo. We had an uncomfortable conversation with his siblings about our financial limits. They share his upbringing and now seem financially comfortable. We did contribute to the gift, but gift-giving has been awkward since. Currently, stretching our budget to meet others’ expectations isn’t feasible for us. Will gift-giving remain uncomfortable? How do we navigate this?
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Managing Finances When Going Out with Friends
With two working parents and young children, we don’t go out often. When we do, we try to make it special – dressing up and trying a nice restaurant. This works well for just the two of us. However, navigating this with other couples is more complex. My upbringing makes me sensitive to others’ potential financial constraints. I’ve experienced times when dining out, or just dining out at certain places, was financially difficult. I never want to make friends feel that discomfort. Standard advice suggests asking others to suggest an activity or restaurant, assuming they’ll choose within their budget. Is that sufficient?
I also wonder when to simply cover the bill. A child-free friend often joins me and my boys on kid-friendly outings. If I invite her to help manage my kids, I don’t think she should pay. She wouldn’t go to a children’s museum otherwise, and I can’t manage my boys alone. I’ve been firm about paying for her, even when she offers. Is that right? Am I overthinking this too?
Further Reading:
Privilege, Power, and Kindness
Finding Our Way: What’s the Right Approach to ‘My Friends Money’?
As I said initially, I haven’t fully figured this out. My early financial experiences ensure I’ll always be mindful of our finances. While I hope to never forget what it’s like to have a tight budget, I also want to navigate our current financial situation gracefully. How have you handled these situations with your friends and family? I’d appreciate hearing your experiences, so we can perhaps find solutions together.
Has a higher income changed your relationships with friends and family? Do others have unrealistic financial expectations of you? How have you addressed these situations? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
